a lot of thoughts have been running through my mind lately. 

i used to think this blog would just be for an outside update of my life (i.e. what i'm doing, etc), and i have a personal tumblr where i wrote about my anger and thoughts and darkness or extreme happiness. i'm still keeping that blog for more personal information i'd like to keep to a certain extent. but i realized on this blog, i've just been blogging about straight up what i'm doing without no thoughts into it. so why not share some thoughts on here. because it occurred to me that almost nobody reads my blog and the internet is a place of freedom, if one wasn't interested in my thoughts, they're more than welcome to not stop by.

with graduation approaching in less than two weeks. as i mentioned, I've been overwhelmed with numerous thoughts. as i'm sitting here in my bare minimum with a towel wrapped on my head. i realized something during my most recent shower. nothing significant or epic, just a realization i wanted to jot down.

i recalled a question (or a few) i was asked on 'why did you want to be nurse' and 'why did you choose babies to photograph'. i never really thought about that other than 'i don't know, i just like it, it's fun, i love babies'. as everyone does, i think a lot during my showers, and the above became todays shower thoughts. 

i think my current answer to that would be, i didn't have a easy childhood, it was no barney and friends fairytale. i was thrown into different schools over asia at random times, every time i made a best friend, i would have to leave or she would have to move. i don't talk about this a lot but i struggled with anxiety disorder from a phobia, and i still do, but doing much better now(thanks to my therapist, it's nothing embarrassing, just reality). i could go on, but i'll stop before this starts sounding like a sob story. back to the topic. babies. not trying to be controversial or thinking on another level, but i don't have pedophiliac thoughts or creepy ones. other than, newborns, babies, in my unconsciousness, i would assume it's the fact that out of all the craziness of this world and complications, i'm presented with something so new, so fresh, a new life, clean slate, no judging, no lies. if you know me well, i do have trouble putting my thoughts into words, so this is challenging for me, and i'm not sure if i'm translating this right. but yes, there's nothing more pure and innocent and raw than a newborn child/life. and i suppose that's the unconscious reason behind my love for newborns. it doesn't get more fairlytale-like than that, and it's reality.

alright, i'm actually having a writers block right now but i'm sure i can go on for hours in person. so that's it for now. i have a ib anthropology exam in an hour. 

p.s. i won't blame you if now you think i'm a damaged loner emo kid. although i'd like to think i'm not that but i guess my post kinda comes of that way.

and since i'm obsessed with pictures. here's one with me and a kid i enjoy hanging with very much. 

as i'm almost going to apologize for my messy rant, i'm not going because this is my little space on the internet. but i'm open for anyone to call me out, constructively.